Why housework might make kids happier …

Good news, parents: It seems that giving kids chores does more than keep the house clean; it might actually make them happier, to boot.

In a recent study, UCLA researchers Eva H. Telzer and Andrew J. Fuligni asked more than 700 14 and 15 year olds of diverse ethnic backgrounds to keep a daily diary over a two-week period. In the diary, the adolescents recorded how much they pitched in around the house—for example, by helping to clean, make dinner, or assist a sibling with homework. Adolescents also recorded their moods and the extent to which they felt stressed, anxious, or depressed each day.

Contrary to common assumptions about adolescents, Telzer and Fuligni found that not only were daily chores not stressful, they were actually associated with greater well-being: The kids who spent more days and more time helping their family reported greater feelings of happiness than did kids who tended to help less.

However, adolescents who helped parents with official or work-related issues, such as filling out government forms, actually reported greater feelings of distress, like feelings of uneasiness and discouragement.

The authors uncovered strong evidence that adolescents felt happier when they helped around the house because they thought they were filling an important role within their family. These findings resonate with previous research that has shown that when a person is established in a social group such as a family, they develop affectionate feelings toward that group and a greater willingness to help it. And when they feel valued by their group, they tend to experience more feelings of self-worth and happiness. Telzer and Fuligni surmise that helping around the house gives adolescents that sense of belonging.

“Assisting the family appears to provide adolescents with the assurance that they are fulfilling their role as a good son or daughter,” they write, “which, in turn, is associated with feelings of happiness and positivity, a sense of identity, and connection to the family.”

(from “Greater Good” magazine  http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/all_in_the_family/)

If you’d like to know more about the study, here’s the reference:

Telzer, Eva H., Fuligni, Andrew J. (2009). Daily family assistance and the psychological well-being of adolescents from Latin American, Asian, and European backgrounds. Developmental Psychology, 45(4), Jul 2009, 1177-1189

Abstract: The daily diary method was used to examine the implications of adolescents’ daily assistance behaviors for both positive and negative aspects of psychological well-being among an ethnically diverse sample of 752 adolescents of ages 14 to 15 years. Results indicated that, contrary to the expectations of some observers, providing daily assistance to the family generally was not stressful for adolescents. Rather, assisting the family was associated with higher levels of happiness due, in large part, to the sense of role fulfillment it provided the adolescents. Few individual or group differences were observed in the association between family assistance and psychological well-being. These results suggest that family assistance serves as a meaningful activity in adolescents’ lives by creating a sense of connection to the family. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2010 APA, all rights reserved)

Tammy’s mother, Nora, drank a lot when she was raising Tammy and her sister and neglected her children in many ways. They were sexually abused for years by Nora’s boyfriend. She apparently knew about the ongoing abuse but did nothing. It was an awful childhood.

Tammy is now fiercely protective of her own children, tells them she loves them every day, and goes to enormous lengths to provide them with the life filled with love and security that she missed out on.

However she’s now watching her younger sister Lou repeating much of the same parenting behaviour as their mother. Lou has drug problems, moves around a lot, changes partners frequently, leaves her toddler daughter alone for long periods, and exposes her to lots of risks. Tammy can’t believe that Lou would treat her daughter like this. Didn’t she learn anything from her own childhood? Wouldn’t she want things to be different for her own daughter?

Why is it that some people seem to repeat the same awful parenting that was inflicted on them?

It’s a 60-million-dollar question, really. But we do have some answers. It’s complicated, but what we know gives us some hope.

Firstly, kids who grow up in traumatic households are sometimes so affected by the trauma that they often just can’t manage their own emotions well enough to parent differently. Tammy is clearly an exception to this rule – while she’s certainly had some hiccups, and she struggles with depression, she’s doing pretty well.

Secondly, we know, from repeated research that parents who’ve made sense of a difficult childhood will usually manage to parent differently, and manage to raise kids who are OK. By “making sense of”, I mean that those parents are able to reflect on what happened to them and have a sense of why that was a good or a bad thing. The scientific boffins call this ability high “Reflective Function”.

Can we escape our pasts and parent differently?

In a very interesting study into Reflective Function in the ‘90s, they looked at 4 groups of mothers: half came from “socially disadvantaged” backgrounds (e.g. had poor education, histories of trauma and low incomes); the other half were middle-class, well-educated (“socially advantaged”). They tested them and then split those 2 groups again into those with high Reflective Function and low Reflective Function. The scientists were interested in knowing how the children of these 4 groups were doing. They were looking at the children’s Attachment Security, which they’re able to measure and is basically a gold standard for kids who are doing well.

As you might expect, the children of the disadvantaged mums who had low Reflective Function weren’t doing so well, they weren’t likely to have Secure Attachment status. But surprisingly, the group that had the highest rates of Secure Attachment were the children of the mums who were disadvantaged and had high Reflective Function. They were doing better even than the children of the advantaged mums.

Maybe when you’ve developed the ability to reflect and understand your child, having a background of disadvantage actually makes you stronger and more resilient, a better parent. I don’t know, and I don’t think the boffins have decided why yet, either. But it means that having a difficult childhood doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be a “bad” parent. It gives me hope.

What it all tells us:

1. The parenting and childhood experiences we had have a very powerful influence on our own parenting. However …
2. We are able to deal with it and rise above it

How can we parent our kids differently to how we were parented?

-  We need to keep challenging and questioning our parenting.

-  We need to keep wondering (reflecting) about our kids – what are the feelings and thoughts behind their behaviour?

-  Last but not least, we need to reflect on our own childhood experiences and the impact they’ve had on us.

Understanding ourselves helps us to understand our children. And when we exercise that understanding with love and empathy, we’ll get closer to being a really good parent.

What are the things that stop us from being the parents we want to be? It’s a useful thing to consider. Some of the most powerful influences on our parenting are social pressure and our own experience of being parented. Often when I discuss this with parents, people will say something like: “I know about the parent I want to be, but I don’t really know how”.

I’ll talk in my next blog entry about the influence of our own parents on our parenting, which is often more powerful than we’d expect. Today I’m going to talk about social pressure, though and the Supermarket Tantrum.

We all worry about what others will think of us as parents. It’s hard, because people do parent differently according to their different values; because parenting advice goes in and out of style; because some kids require different parenting to others; and no matter what we do we’ll always “get it wrong” in the eyes of some bystanders. It’s interesting that when I’m talking with parents of pre-schoolers, the topic of temper tantrums always looms large, and the Supermarket Tantrum always seems to be harder than anything else.

Why? Because supermarkets are loud and bright and overstimulating, perfect conditions to produce meltdowns in little people. Because preschoolers – especially 2 -4 year olds – are struggling with the mismatch between their developing autonomy (“I do it!”) and underdeveloped emotional regulation. And because there are lots of people watching how mum or dad handles the situation. We do worry about social disapproval.

“What are people thinking of me?  Are they thinking I’m a bad parent? That my kids are out-of-control?” “A good parent wouldn’t have a child who does this?”

“What will they think of me if I

• sit on the floor with my child?
• hug her?
• talk to her?
• scream at her?
• smack her?
• walk out with her?
• can’t stop her from screaming?

“What’s the right thing to do here? And how can I do what people expect me to do?”

If you’re sitting here reading this in a calm and collected state you’ll be saying, of course, that it doesn’t matter what people “expect” you to do. But in a loud, bright, overstimulating environment that just got 200 decibels louder because of your child, and when everyone’s watching (even though they’re not making it obvious), there’s a sense of urgency, and that social pressure to fix it quickly and fix it just right is more intense.

Some of us feel it more than others. I’m a person who’s pretty bloody-minded and it’s easy for me to tell myself that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I can also remind myself that, for every little old supermarket lady who’s openly critical of my behaviour, there’s another one who’s sympathetic (they’re just not so obvious). But I admit that it’s not so easy for everyone.

Here’s the what:

• First, move your child out of the middle of the aisle so he doesn’t get mown down by the trolley of a shopper who’s had enough of him
• Then sit or kneel on the floor, hug or touch your child (if he’ll let you) and try to empathise. Say something like “You really wanted that little truck. It’s hard when you see the truck and you want it and then I say that you can’t have it” (even if he’s screaming, he’ll hear some of that).
• He’s probably overwhelmed, so add something like “All those upset feelings are hard to manage”.
• Don’t criticise his behaviour (you can talk about it later, when you get home); and don’t give in to his want.

Here’s the why:

All that stuff in the supermarket gets overwhelming, not just the lights and sound, but the choice, and the possibilities he’ll “get” something. His meltdown is more than him being “naughty”. He gets overstimulated (overexcited) and it’s hard for him to calm himself down.

Kids’ brains haven’t developed this self-regulatory capacity very well. They need our help to settle themselves. Your empathy and validation (letting him know that you understand his feeling and it’s OK) will go a long way to starting this calming-down process. And supportive touch – a hug, a cuddle, stroking his face – will also help enormously, if your child will allow this.

Once he’s settled down, deal with the problem. Problem-solve, reassure, do what needs to be done, while maintaining limits. But don’t expect that he can think while he’s in a tantrum state. He can’t – his brain just can’t go there.

Why not … walk away from a tantrumming child, smack, speak sternly …? This is a different way of understanding the causes of a tantrum. Your child is overwhelmed. You’re trying to deal with the overwhelming feelings, and walking away will cause her to feel more scared; smacking will cause her to feel worse (she’ll probably scream louder); so will speaking sternly. Empathising and validating will actually help her to understand her feelings, will help her to feel closer to you, and will actually aid in the development of those regulatory systems in her brain.

It can be difficult to do all that while everyone’s watching, and some of us feel that pressure more than others. What to do? Should you do what you think is right; or save yourself some humiliation and do what other people will say is right? I do think there’s a better solution here if you’re feeling embarrassed.

So here’s the how:

• Take a breath and count to 3 to settle yourself
• Then park your trolley and pick up your child and go somewhere quiet, where there are less people watching and less stimulation. Over where the pool chemicals and garden poisons hang out is a good place in my supermarket (but not if you’re feeling murderous). Or leave – walk out the doors and find a quiet corner of the carpark.
• If you’re feeling embarrassed about carrying  a screaming child through the supermarket, say this mantra under your breath “I’m doing what my child needs. We’re going somewhere quiet to fix this”.
• Chances are, you’re feeling pretty overaroused by now too. Acknowledge that to yourself (if you are) and think about what you need to do to calm down. If your child will let you cuddle her, put her on your lap and rock or sing to her. You’ll be amazed at how powerful this can be – for calming yourself as well as her.

And while there might be some people who “tut tut” at you for not being firm with your child (as they see it), there’ll be a whole lot of others who are full of admiration at your courage and your ability to see through the behaviour to the underlying feelings … to get closer to your child.  And isn’t that what good parenting is all about?

Anna Tharyan is a Professor of Psychiatry in southern India who decided to do rounds amongst the homeless people in her town. She discovered – to her immense surprise – that nearly all the mentally ill people she met living on the streets were given support by someone in their community. There was nearly always someone – a shopkeeper, a neighbour, a regular passer-by – who would feed, bathe and provide some sort of protection for these socially outcast people.

It made her wonder about the power of the human heart, and the place of science. It also led her to question whether she, as a medico, was able to help these people or whether by intervening she was interfering and upsetting a delicate but effective balance.*

“We need a reaction from the heart”. I’m fascinated by what science is beginning to teach us about emotions and connecting to people. I’m excited that neuroimaging studies are now able to demonstrate things that we kind of always knew, but couldn’t prove – that a baby lights up when he sees his mother; that a stressed child will calm when her dad or mum puts a hand on her shoulder; that it’s hard for us to learn when we’re scared of our teacher; that love makes you feel good (did you know? “activity in an area of the brain called the ventral tegmental area causes dopamine to be sprayed to many brain regions”!); that men and women process feelings differently; that joyful play makes our brains grow.

Because science is beginning to be able to prove these things, it somehow makes them More Worthy. I’m as guilty of this sort of thinking as the next person, probably more so. I’m reminded, though, by Dr Tharyan’s amazing experience, though, that just remembering to love is very powerful. Compassion. Being kind.

The science part is useful. When it’s hard for us to find compassion in our hearts, science can help us to understand that a supermarket tantrum isn’t just bad behaviour, but a toddler whose brain is overaroused and flooded with the stress hormone cortisol, and he consequently doesn’t have a lot of control. He can probably only calm down with his parent’s help, or when he exhausts himself.

We so need to have this “reaction from the heart” with our kids. To just remember to be kind, be loving, to give a spontaneous hug or smile or kiss. To let ourselves feel “heartful” toward them, even if there seems no reason to. Unfortunately some current parenting theories discount that kind of response, suggesting we should only ever reward “good” behaviour with good “consequences” and “bad” behaviour with bad “consequences” – forgetting that we all need love and kindness as well. Of course we need to set clear, firm boundaries with our kids and be strong with them. But we need to have some flexibility and love them as well.

It can be hard to do some days – when your child is throwing a tantrum, being defiant, being grizzly or clingy. When you can’t get over your irritation or disgust with them, and you just want to say “Oh, just pull yourself together!”. It can be really difficult to find that thread of compassion within yourself sometimes.

It’s easier to be heartful when you’re already feeling pretty together, when you’ve had enough sleep and you’re well and things are OK generally at work and home, and you’re full of strength and confidence. It’s much harder when you’re tired or unwell and under stress.

Compassion has a lot to do with your beliefs, as well as with your mood. If the message you got from your parents was something like: children should be able to manage their moods, they should always be polite and responsible; if you have a belief that good people always hold themselves together … well, it’s going to be more difficult for you to have that “reaction from the heart” and show compassion and understanding for your kids when they lose the plot. More difficult, but not impossible, though.

For myself, my wish is to be able to do that without thinking. I’d like to work toward being able to respond with love and compassion instinctually, without having to remind myself. An impossible fantasy maybe – but life is a journey. I can work towards it. So my wish for today is to value that balance that Dr Tharyan spoke of, in myself. A balance between the value of scientific theory and knowledge and the enormous value of my “reaction from the heart”.

*If you want to read or listen to the full interview with Anna on ABC radio’s “Health Report”, go to http://www.abc.net.au/rn/healthreport/stories/2010/2804621.htm#transcript.

You know how when you listen to an interview with some famous or special person, they so often say, “You know, my mum used to say …”.

I always found myself thinking, “well, I can’t think of anything my mum ‘always said’ ”. Other than “Up in Annie’s room, hanging behind the mirror” when you asked her where your socks might be. That’s not especially wise.

And I wondered if I had a deprived or neglected childhood. Did I lack strong parental guidance because my mum never had a saying? Hmmm, I don’t think so. But I started to wonder about what legacy I would leave my own children in terms of “Wise Words”. Would my kids ever say “My mum always said …”. So I wondered – what do I say?

• “Fair’s where you go to get your hog a blue ribbon” (thanks to my friend Kevin, from Kansas).
• “Put the phone away before it becomes a problem”.
• “I don’t care if you don’t take a jacket and you get cold”.

What Wise Words would I like my kids to remember?

When I reflect on some of the most difficult times of my life, I think about how it was for me, growing up in a kind, nurturing middle-class Catholic family, where the prevailing philosophy (even if my mum didn’t actually say it) was that if you’re a Good Person and do the right things in life, then God will do the right thing by you. I also saw, when I was a child, that bad things happened to other people and other people’s families, and never to ours. Our Catholic God was clearly a benevolent one.

Then I became an adult and left home and Life happened. Some truly difficult things happened to me, and for a while I ranted and railed at the world, saying “This isn’t right! I’m a Good Person, and bad things aren’t meant to happen to Good People!”. That attack on my middle-class Catholic beliefs shook me to the core. I had to come to grips with the fact that sometimes bad things just do happen. All you can do is accept them and get on and deal with them. And learn from them.

On reflection, the most important words I could impart to my own children were “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson”.

So those have become my own “Mum’s Wise Words”.

Always learn from what happens to you. When awful things happen, use the experience to develop some empathy (“now I know how it feels for other people”). When you get something wrong, reflect on what happened to figure out what you could do differently next time. It might feel good to rant and rail at the world for a while, but don’t get stuck there. Because after all, bad things do happen to Good People. Life isn’t always fair.

Fair’s where you go to get your hog a blue ribbon.

Hugging your partner can lower his or her blood pressure

(from The Independent, 10 Oct. 2006)

Even mainstream medicine is interested in studying touch, now. Researchers are showing that it not only lowers stress levels, but it can boost the immune system, help babies grow, lower glucose levels in diabetic children and stop or slow the progress of disease. We’ve talked a lot, in recent years, about the importance of touch for babies – it’s clear, for instance, that premmie babies who get skin-to-skin contact with their mothers do better on a host of measures – their breathing becomes more regular and stable, heart rate improves, they’re less stressed, feed more, gain weight and have shorter hospital stays. Babies who spent a lot of time in big orphanages where they didn’t get a lot of adult attention literally did not grow, even though they had  enough food.

Touch is really good for adults, too. Dr Jim Coan, a neuroscientist at Virginia University, studies the effects of relationships on emotions. He scanned the brains of women who were in pain (they’d been “exposed to experimental pain”), and saw that as soon as they touched the hands of their husbands, there was an instant drop in the areas of the brain involved in fear, danger and threat. They were calmer and less stressed. (Have a look at the video on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCukN_8S124 )

Coan says that “We think that humans build relationships precisely for this reason, to distribute problem solving across brains …We are wired to literally share the processing load, and this is the signal we’re getting when we receive support through touch.” So, in effect, the body interprets a supportive touch as “I’ll share the load”.

How do we use this information for parents and families? We need to really value touch, understand its power.

Massages are great, but positive, healing touch can be as simple as hugs and kisses, a soothing stroke on the back, a rub on the head, hand-holding. I reckon it helps the touch-er as well as the touch-ee. I’m sure that when I touch a distressed person, it makes me feel better too.

We’re a fairly touchy-feely family, but I figured we still could do more. I had a bit of an epiphany last week, tearing around the house, getting ready for the day, listening to people heading out the front door calling out “Bye!! See you tonight!”, and the cursory “Have a good day!”. I listened to that door slam and decided that wasn’t OK. So I’ve made a rule for myself, that a verbal goodbye isn’t good enough. We need to touch when we say goodbye. So now, in the mornings, I run out and have a hug, a kiss, even a pat on the shoulder. I know it makes me feel better. I hope it’s good for them, too.

Until the lawnmower starts. As soon as anyone in the neighbourhood starts up the lawnmower or the whipper-snipper Balto turns to jelly. He’s OK with thunder and lightning and fireworks and things that scare other dogs. But with the lawnmower going, he’s terrified. He trembles and his tail goes between his legs. He tries to dig his way through the floor.

The only thing that settles him is to come lie next to me. More than sit, he likes to be touching me. He rests his head on my foot. Or his foot on my foot. Being with me calms him down – I’m the boss (and in a dog, that means I’m his attachment figure)

“Our brains rely on other brains to remain healthy, especially under stress. When faced with illness, catastrophe or loss, we turn to each other for comfort, regulation and stability … We appear to be capable of coping with just about anything when we are connected to those for whom we care and who care for us” (Louis Cozolino, 2006).

Cozolino is a Professor of Psychology and writes extensively about the neuroscience of human relationships. He points out that secure attachments, between parent and child, even between spouses, provide a sense of security and reduce arousal. Being close to or receiving a caring touch from a loved person reduces levels of stress hormones in our brains and our bodies – in scientific terms, it reduces HPA and sympathetic nervous system activity. I’d add to Cozolino’s discussion that being close to an attachment figure reduces arousal in dogs too!

It’s fascinating stuff for anyone interested in parenting. When children are stressed, they’re likely to calm down just by being close to a parent, or a caring adult. Teachers have been doing this for years, probably without even knowing why it works. When a child starts misbehaving in the playground, what’s the first thing that the teacher on playground duty is likely to do? “Nathan, come and stand here with me for a while”, and Nathan has to shadow the teacher for the next 10 minutes or so, til he’s calmed down. It works.

What does this mean for parents? That keeping an overaroused, overwhelmed child close to you will usually calm him or her down. When our kids are being “naughty”, it’s often because things have gotten too much for them, and they’re overwhelmed with such strong feelings that they can’t think properly – they’re dysregulated (I know that could be an inflammatory statement, and I’ll write more about that another time). When feelings go up, thinking goes down. It’s difficult for the parts of the brain that deal with emotions and with thinking to work well together when one is very intense.

So if you’re able to have your child come sit with you; if you’re able to give her a cuddle; if he can stand next to you and help you with the housework, or walk down to the shops with you, or sit in the supermarket trolley or hold your hand or in some way be physically close … it’s incredibly calming. You don’t have to be touching (though touch is good), just being close is OK. Try to communicate acceptance of your child’s feeling just by being there for them (resist the temptation to reprimand or give advice). Remember, the behaviour might be awful and unacceptable, but the underlying feeling isn’t.

In a way, that’s expressing empathy. It’s not that hard to do, though you might be feeling pretty upset with your child, and it might go against the grain for you to behave like this when she’s misbehaving. But it’s not rewarding the behaviour at all. It’s communicating acceptance of the feeling, and the closeness that you give your child will help their brain to calm down, to re-regulate (and you can deal with the bad behaviour later).

That process actually helps your child’s brain to re-regulate. What’s more, every time your child has this experience – dysregulation, followed by your help to re-regulate – the areas of the brain responsible for emotional regulation (mainly in the amygdala) grow and develop further. In scientific terms, empathy from an attachment figure helps the brain to organise itself.

So staying close when your child is upset is helping his brain to grow in the best possible way. Good emotional regulation also helps your child develop self-discipline.

Becky Bailey, author of “Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline” (2002, Harper), points out that you need to accept your child’s feelings before you can help him begin to change his behaviour.

“Understanding does not change the limits on behavior. It does help a child accept them more easily”.

I reckon, as a parent, that you usually start from the outside. You’re confronted with things your child is doing and being. And I think that where you really need to go from there is inside yourself. You need to reflect on what it’s all about – “What’s going on here?” – before responding. It is, very often, an Outside-In process.

An example … I have a 13-year-old daughter. With respect to her needs for privacy, I’ll call her CurlyGirl (she is, in so many ways – LOL). CurlyGirl gets home from school, say, and as soon as she gets in the door begins to sound off.

Some teacher has been so mean to her, she’s been given extra homework because someone in class has been misbehaving, and she’s got so much homework already, and this kid always does that, and this teacher always does that, and it’s not right, and how’s she expected to get it done in this short period of time when she doesn’t really understand it anyway and there’s maths homework already and she’s got to get to soccer training tonight and … on and on it goes.

I want to open my mouth and scream at her “Enough!!!” (and in truth, some days I would, and I guess she’s survived it). But a much more helpful response from me would be that I just listen and reflect for a moment.

What’s going on here? I need to listen to her words, and to the emotional content too.

There’s a sense of injustice, and she wants to be heard. Most of us feel the need to rant at times. Plus she’s feeling stressed about it all. And I can reflect briefly on what’s going on for me, too. I’m tired, I’ve been working all day and I haven’t finished what I needed to do, and now there’s dinner to think about, so it’s hard for me to listen and to sympathise.

I need – somehow – to hear what’s happening for her, reflect on that and her needs; and at the same time acknowledge the filter through which I’m hearing it. To start with the outside and move inside

In all probability, all she needs from me at that moment is for me to nod sagely and to validate her experience. “Ow. That sounds pretty nasty”. If it’s a day when I’m managing to be a Perfect Parent, I might also help her to calm down and problem-solve (“Sit down and grab some afternoon tea. How do you think you’re going to fit it all in tonight? Want some help?”).

Interestingly, though, I’ve learned over the years that simply validating will often accomplish all that – the calming down and the problem-solving steps. When someone hears you say – in whatever words – “your emotions are valid”, they feel heard (they feel held, even) and those emotions become less intense, less urgent. Because they  no longer feel that stress, they can often calm down enough that it doesn’t matter any more; sometimes they’re able to move into problem-solving by themselves.

There’s a beautiful little video on the “Tuning in to Kids” website where a mum talks about leaving the supermarket (doesn’t everything happen in the supermarket?) with her 2 toddlers, and the 3-year-old sees one of those lolly-toy  machine things on the way out. He stops and gets agitated and there’s a meltdown starting. It’s uh-oh territory. But she just bends down to his level and looks at it with him and discusses how cool it is. That’s all he needed. He didn’t start demanding or tantrumming. He felt heard, I guess, and he felt OK with his mum, and was able to just walk away.

So … on the outside… there was an imminent tantrum. She was then able to move inside to reflect on what was happening for him, and his needs (“that’s a really colourful, exciting lolly machine and he’s excited about it”). She responded to that need by validating the feeling. And that was all he needed.

Pretty impressive. I don’t think it always works as well as that, and I don’t know that we as parents are always able to work as well as that – let’s be real here. But we know, from research and good observations that it’s OK for us to get it wrong some of the time (in fact Gottman’s studies on emotion coaching by parents suggest that we probably only need to do it 30-40% of the time). What do you think about that?

So my reason for getting this blog started is to discuss ways that we can manage to parent from the outside in. How we can begin to reflect on our children’s needs, and also be aware of our own stumbling blocks and hot-spots, that influence this capacity to reflect. I’m really interested to know what you think about this.

And I also mean to discuss some of the awesome research coming out that’s showing how our brains need relationships to be healthy and grow. Things like – when babies gaze into the eyes of their mothers, new circuits start firing off and developing in their brains. That we’ve identified that they’re born pre-wired to recognise a range of facial expressions. As Carla Rinaldi, Italian professor of Early Childhood Education and President of the Reggio schools in Italy, says,

“Learning and loving are not so far apart as we once thought they were”.