The parent you want to be … supermarket tantrums
What are the things that stop us from being the parents we want to be? It’s a useful thing to consider. Some of the most powerful influences on our parenting are social pressure and our own experience of being parented. Often when I discuss this with parents, people will say something like: “I know about the parent I want to be, but I don’t really know how”.
I’ll talk in my next blog entry about the influence of our own parents on our parenting, which is often more powerful than we’d expect. Today I’m going to talk about social pressure, though and the Supermarket Tantrum.
We all worry about what others will think of us as parents. It’s hard, because people do parent differently according to their different values; because parenting advice goes in and out of style; because some kids require different parenting to others; and no matter what we do we’ll always “get it wrong” in the eyes of some bystanders. It’s interesting that when I’m talking with parents of pre-schoolers, the topic of temper tantrums always looms large, and the Supermarket Tantrum always seems to be harder than anything else.
Why? Because supermarkets are loud and bright and overstimulating, perfect conditions to produce meltdowns in little people. Because preschoolers – especially 2 -4 year olds – are struggling with the mismatch between their developing autonomy (“I do it!”) and underdeveloped emotional regulation. And because there are lots of people watching how mum or dad handles the situation. We do worry about social disapproval.
“What are people thinking of me? Are they thinking I’m a bad parent? That my kids are out-of-control?” “A good parent wouldn’t have a child who does this?”
“What will they think of me if I
- sit on the floor with my child?
- hug her?
- talk to her?
- scream at her?
- smack her?
- walk out with her?
- can’t stop her from screaming?
“What’s the right thing to do here? And how can I do what people expect me to do?”
If you’re sitting here reading this in a calm and collected state you’ll be saying, of course, that it doesn’t matter what people “expect” you to do. But in a loud, bright, overstimulating environment that just got 200 decibels louder because of your child, and when everyone’s watching (even though they’re not making it obvious), there’s a sense of urgency, and that social pressure to fix it quickly and fix it just right is more intense.
Some of us feel it more than others. I’m a person who’s pretty bloody-minded and it’s easy for me to tell myself that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I can also remind myself that, for every little old supermarket lady who’s openly critical of my behaviour, there’s another one who’s sympathetic (they’re just not so obvious). But I admit that it’s not so easy for everyone.
Here’s the what:
- First, move your child out of the middle of the aisle so he doesn’t get mown down by the trolley of a shopper who’s had enough of him
- Then sit or kneel on the floor, hug or touch your child (if he’ll let you) and try to empathise. Say something like “You really wanted that little truck. It’s hard when you see the truck and you want it and then I say that you can’t have it” (even if he’s screaming, he’ll hear some of that).
- He’s probably overwhelmed, so add something like “All those upset feelings are hard to manage”.
- Don’t criticise his behaviour (you can talk about it later, when you get home); and don’t give in to his want.
Here’s the why:
All that stuff in the supermarket gets overwhelming, not just the lights and sound, but the choice, and the possibilities he’ll “get” something. His meltdown is more than him being “naughty”. He gets overstimulated (overexcited) and it’s hard for him to calm himself down.
Kids’ brains haven’t developed this self-regulatory capacity very well. They need our help to settle themselves. Your empathy and validation (letting him know that you understand his feeling and it’s OK) will go a long way to starting this calming-down process. And supportive touch – a hug, a cuddle, stroking his face – will also help enormously, if your child will allow this.
Once he’s settled down, deal with the problem. Problem-solve, reassure, do what needs to be done, while maintaining limits. But don’t expect that he can think while he’s in a tantrum state. He can’t – his brain just can’t go there.
Why not … walk away from a tantrumming child, smack, speak sternly …? This is a different way of understanding the causes of a tantrum. Your child is overwhelmed. You’re trying to deal with the overwhelming feelings, and walking away will cause her to feel more scared; smacking will cause her to feel worse (she’ll probably scream louder); so will speaking sternly. Empathising and validating will actually help her to understand her feelings, will help her to feel closer to you, and will actually aid in the development of those regulatory systems in her brain.
It can be difficult to do all that while everyone’s watching, and some of us feel that pressure more than others. What to do? Should you do what you think is right; or save yourself some humiliation and do what other people will say is right? I do think there’s a better solution here if you’re feeling embarrassed.
So here’s the how:
- Take a breath and count to 3 to settle yourself
- Then park your trolley and pick up your child and go somewhere quiet, where there are less people watching and less stimulation. Over where the pool chemicals and garden poisons hang out is a good place in my supermarket (but not if you’re feeling murderous). Or leave – walk out the doors and find a quiet corner of the carpark.
- If you’re feeling embarrassed about carrying a screaming child through the supermarket, say this mantra under your breath “I’m doing what my child needs. We’re going somewhere quiet to fix this”.
- Chances are, you’re feeling pretty overaroused by now too. Acknowledge that to yourself (if you are) and think about what you need to do to calm down. If your child will let you cuddle her, put her on your lap and rock or sing to her. You’ll be amazed at how powerful this can be – for calming yourself as well as her.
And while there might be some people who “tut tut” at you for not being firm with your child (as they see it), there’ll be a whole lot of others who are full of admiration at your courage and your ability to see through the behaviour to the underlying feelings … to get closer to your child. And isn’t that what good parenting is all about?
